


Humanity

by Nehesemhotep



Series: Weakness [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-28 17:14:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3862873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehesemhotep/pseuds/Nehesemhotep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The repercussions of Dean and Sam's captivity become clear, and Castiel struggles with the choices he has to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

       Castiel flew into Bobby’s house, keeping silent, invisible. It had been one week since he rescued Dean and Sam from Raphael’s hands.  He had been observing them even more than usual in the following days-Cas told himself he was making sure that Raphael wouldn’t try something like that again-but the truth was he didn’t know why. Castiel felt it like an itch whenever he left their sides, something that nagged at him, that wasn’t soothed until he could see them well, alive.  

The alive part was true enough.  It appeared that even though Sam’s physical injuries were superficial, he had suffered more than the wounds themselves displayed.

_“Dean!” Sam’s voice was filled with anger, possessive. He was kneeling, one arm wrenched behind his back and an angel blade at his throat. Dean was standing, hands extended over a table, shaking. An angel stood to his side, tracing an angel blade over his hands._

_“Now, Dean. Turn your palm up and lay your hand on the table.” The angel’s voice was cruelly soft._

_“Dean, don’t! You can fight!” Sam’s voice pleaded. Dean wasn’t tied or pinned, he was being held in place because of his fear for Sam. Dean’s hands were trembling and Sam could see tears running down his cheeks. Their captors had played many games like this in the past few hours, hurting, then healing them, hurting, then healing them again._

_“Dean. Lay your hands down, or I’ll play with your brother a little.” the man crooned, pulling a smile, “Don’t worry though, I’ll make sure he enjoys himself.”_

_The implication was clear, and it was a threat that the angels hadn’t used until now.  It made Sam furious.  He knew what Dean experienced in hell, what Alastair did.  And Sam could still feel Lucifer’s touches in his nightmares. But he would take them again if it would spare Dean._ _Although Sam continued to beg Dean to fight, he knew Dean would choose to protect him. Like he always did. Slowly, with a choked sob, Dean lay a hand down on the table, fingers curled slightly upward._

_“Hmmm,” without warning, the angel raised the blade and brought it down sharply, pinning it through Dean’s hand._

The cry of Dean was so horrible Castiel had to withdraw from Sam’s mind for a second. He raised hands to his ears like he could drown out the sound that echoed in his head. Gasping, he shuttered for a minute, then he touched the memory again.

_Sam screamed, “No! Dean!” and struggled. He twisted and threw punches, despite the angel blade at his throat. It nicked him slightly but the woman holding him drew it back, allowing him to strike out, unconcerned, easily blocking his punches until Sam tired, then placing two fingers to his forehead and dragging him out of the room._

        Cas felt a wave of empathy for Sam. If one of his brothers, if Balthazar was being held in such a way, he knew his elder brother would protect him. Or at least, he hoped that he would. With a pang of doubt, Castiel wondered how many of his friends would still be so when they learned about Crowley and the souls.  And the ones who cared about him the most.  And he was keeping secrets from them.  He whispered, “Dean, I am so sorry.”  

        Castiel felt the discomfort, the beginnings of pain that was almost human. He hated that.  So he flew far away from the longing and the prayers of his weakness. From the memories, from the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning* 
> 
> flashback for rape/non-con

  
The first nightmare was one of the worst.  Cas was speaking with Samandriel when he heard Dean’s voice, begging him for help.

**_Cas! Please, help, it hurts, god.._ **

        With barely an explanation Cas rushed to Bobby’s house. Instead of finding Dean under attack, Cas found him thrashing in his bed.  He couldn’t watch for very long.  Cas reached out, pinning Dean’s arms and holding him tight to his chest, trying to wash his grace over Dean’s fighting form.  

       The thrashing turned to trembles as the grace soothed the nightmare, Cas fighting back nausea as he saw the bloody images passing through Dean’s mind.  Dean’s breath slowly returned to normal, and Cas was relieved to see that he was still asleep. He continued to run circles gently on Dean’s back, then reluctantly laid him back down, with one last kiss to the top of Dean’s hair.

        “Really, Castiel?”

       Cas stood quickly, placing himself between Crowley and the sleeping man.  Crowley was giving him an exasperated look, though tickled with amusement. It did nothing to lessen Cas’ alarm.  He positively growled at Crowley, “What the hell are you doing here?”

        “Oh, darling, I’m tickled, but you needn’t worry about me,” Crowley smirked, “I doubt your human pet is much of a threat.”  Cas stood straighter, fingers still light on the angel blade.

        “He isn’t a part of this. He won’t get involved. You are leaving. Now.”  Cas’ voice hardened.  He glanced back at Dean, whose chest was rising and settling peacefully. When he turned back, Crowley was gone.  Cas lingered at Dean’s bedside.  Having Crowley appear so easily, so closely to Dean. Cas didn’t want to leave him. Sleeping. So vulnerable. He sat on the edge of the bed, and for the first of many times in the coming months, rested his head in his hands.  

 

 

_**Cas. It’s me. I don’t know where you are, but I...we need you here.** _

        Cas appeared in Dean’s bedroom, still hidden from human eyes.  Dean was laying in his bead, his t-shirt matted with sweat and his chest heaving.  Another nightmare.  Cas remembers the first morning, how Dean had risen, shaken off the comforter, and walked outside, Bobby’s eyes tracking him all the way.  Dean had worked on car after car that day, not saying a word. There had been no prayers to Cas, no acknowledgment of any kind.  Sam had woken and after a nod to Bobby, took off in the impala to the nearest store. He parked the car, crossed his arms, and sobbed.

        When Dean finally cried it was also in the impala, curled almost into a ball.  Dean always tried to be so strong.  Even in his outpouring of emotion Cas felt Dean trying to keep the cries silent. His heart ached. He felt but didn’t know why. Cas had been tortured before, but as an angel.  He knew pain was different for humans, and it troubled him that all his efforts to understand them only led to more questions.  Humanity, it seemed, for all its beauty, was incredibly frightening.  Dean’s scared cries in his sleep provoked a fierce protectiveness in Castiel and strengthened his resolve to defeat Raphael, no matter the cost.  

Cas remembered when he realized he loved Dean.  Maybe it was wrong to love a human.

Dean shifted on the bed, eyes opening, staring at the wall. “What’s going on, Cas?” he said softly, “Why did you change?” Dean’s hand clenched the bedspread as fresh tears ran down his cheeks.  The wave of longing was so strong it pulled Cas to the foot of the bed like a magnet. With a lump in his throat, Cas whispered,

        “I love you, Dean Winchester.”

 

   
  


       Dean and Sam began hunting again, and it was during one of these hunts that Cas heard a prayer from Sam. Despite the circumstances, he smiled. Cas treated Sam’s prayers like treasures now. Before Sam got his soul back, Cas didn’t feel the honesty behind them. And he was scared. Scared to face Sam after the horrors of the cage. Cas was ashamed of that. His smile ebbed. Sam’s prayer was clear and to the point.

_**Hey Cas. Dean and I are about to clear a vampires nest.  It’s a pretty nasty one.  I told Dean to wait for backup, but he won’t listen. Please keep him safe. um. thanks. We miss you, Cas.** _

        It must be really be a “pretty nasty” situation if Sam prayed to him like that.  So Cas kept his ears open, and was ready to fly to their help.  At the first wave of panic, Cas went to them.  As he appeared in the warehouse, Dean’s longing was a solid pulse and he could feel the adrenaline. Then a cry.

_Dean._

        Cas appeared just a few feet away from Dean, who was pinned down by a vampire, hands above his head. The vampire was latched on to the side of his neck, draining him.  Dean was incoherent, struggling uselessly in a panic. Cas grabbed the vampire’s arm and snapped it in two. With a howl, the man released his teeth and Cas took the opportunity to lift and shake him like a rag doll. His neck snapped and Cas finished the job with his angel blade.  

        Dropping the monster unceremoniously, Cas knelt next to Dean who held up his hands, sobbing, scrambling backwards on his hands and knees, “No no please don’t stop…” the litany of words were like bullets in Cas’ mind.

        “Dean. Dean, it’s me.” Cas tried to calm him, trying to take his hands, his shoulders. Nothing worked. Finally Cas reached a hand out and placed it firmly on Dean’s forearm, and Dean slumped into unconsciousness.  Cas placed his palm over the marks on Dean's neck, healing him.  Then he collected Dean off the floor, holding him carefully, waiting for Sam who he felt was getting closer.

        It appeared that the remaining vampires had been killed or fled.  Cas hesitated before touching Dean’s mind. He needed to know whatever flashback Dean had had. He needed to know what Raphael did.  

_Dean lay on the table, face down.  One angel, a woman vessel, Bariel, held down Dean’s wrists, which were tied together. Raphael stood off the side, smirking._

And the worst. Cas clutched Dean tighter, shaking his head from the memory before whimpering and looking again.

_And the last, Dardariel, pressed over Dean, his legs boxed around his knees. “Stop, please!” Dean’s voice was hoarse and broken._

Cas saw and felt Dean flinch as Dardariel increased his pace, and saw Dean’s hands clench in pain. Heard his sobs.

_“Cas. Sam. someone.” Dean struggled but it was no use, “No no no.” His voice cracked, his cries fading out into a helpless whine, then whimpers._

        “Cas?!”

        Sam’s voice broke through the fog around Cas’ mind.  Castiel tried to see through his tears, but everything hurt. He didn’t hear Sam’s gasp and frantic search for Dean’s pulse. Hear his sigh of relief.  Cas just sat, burying his head in Dean’s hair, pathetic human noises of grief and pain seemingly unending.  Cas became aware of two hands on his sleeves, and a presence in front of him. “Cas?” This time the voice was soft, concerned. Cas lifted his head. Sam’s sympathetic gaze met his, “Cas, Cas you with me?”

       “I love him.” Cas felt the words come out and the shock of it made everything clearer. With wide eyes, he looked fearfully at Sam.  Sam’s hand were still comfortingly placed on Cas’ arms.    

       His eyes grew sad, “Yeah, Cas, I know.” Sam sighed and sat back on his heels.  Later, as Cas transported them, injuries healed, back to the impala, he caught Sam looking at him, really studying him. And when Cas laid Dean in the driver’s side seat, glancing at Sam with weary, red-rimmed eyes, he said nothing.  

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this series has been all angst, which is lovely and all. But the next couple chapters will be a little happier, so I hope that's okay. :)

_Two and a half years later_

 

       Cas sat in the hotel room, the smell of Purgatory finally washed clean.  But the guilt was overwhelming.  It seemed that no time at all had passed since he defeated Raphael and lost himself. Had lost everything. Cas knew that throughout this time when he’d been gone, Dean was still recovering from his persecution from Raphael.  

       Cas wasn’t there to help him.  In purgatory, everything was different. Sleep was hardly enough, and always troubled. Back in the realm of humanity, Cas was scared to leave Dean’s side again.  When Dean asked if he wanted to get a separate room, Cas quickly offered to watch over him.  When Dean brushed that off, he ignored it.

After the three of them averted the robbery of the bank and Fred's imminent murder, they made their way back to the motel.  Cas had told Mr. Jones about the possible effects of the procedure that would take away his psychokinetic abilities. The man decided to wait until the morning, wanting to tie up some loose ends, he said. So as Dean and Sam got him checked in at the motel for the night, Cas went back to their room.  He turned on the tv, and was watching a documentary on the pyramids when Dean walked in.

        “It’s fascinating,” Cas said, “The number of things you have wrong about the ancient Egyptians.” Cas shook his head, chuckling, “Some of the ideas, I must say, are ludicrous.”  Cas started in surprise when Dean walked over and took the remote from Cas’ hands, shutting the television off.  Dean sat on the bed next to him,

        “Cas, listen, what you told me earlier.” Dean cleared his throat and looked at Cas with such concern and affection Cas couldn’t hold his gaze. He looked down and away.  “Cas,” Dean gently placed two fingers under his chin and turned his face back.  “You are so important, Cas. You matter.”

        “Please don’t leave me.” Dean's voice held a slight tremble.  

       Cas remembered the last time Dean touched him so tenderly, and a sob erupted from him. He buried his head in Dean’s chest, shaking as cries arose unbidden from his throat. Dean didn’t pull away, instead he wrapped his arms around Castiel and let him cry.  Cas sobbed harder. “You matter to me, Cas.  I..love you” Dean choked on the last three words, like saying them laid him vulnerable in some human way.

       And maybe, Cas understood.  Pulling back with a ragged breath, tears still flowing, Cas tentatively reached a hand and cupped his cheek, “Dean. Everything..I did.” Cas struggled through the words, “Through everything, Dean. It’s been for you. You are my weakness,” Cas’ voice lowered to a whisper, “my love.” Dean’s eyes widened. Cas tried to smile through his tears, “I love you.  I love you, Dean.”

       Dean carefully, lovingly, reached up and thumbed the wetness from under Cas’ eyes, then leaned forward and gently pressed a kiss to his nose, his cheek, his eyes, then his lips.  The feeling of Dean’s lips on his skin remained like little flickers of flame, and when Dean kissed his mouth, it was like fanning a fire. Cas grabbed the back of Dean’s neck and surged into the touch with a moan, flicking his tongue into Dean’s mouth and kissing him hard.

        Dean responded with a squeak then smiled against Cas’ lips, letting Cas explore his mouth before tracing his own tongue along Cas’ lower lip. Cas gasped and pressed Dean back on the bed, kissing him fiercely, sloppily, desperately.  He only paused when he felt Dean shaking below him. With a start he sat back. To his surprise, Dean was laughing, hands lifted and still in Cas’ hair.  Cas gave a wary smile in return.  Dean’s laughter slowed to a chuckle,

        “It’s nothing. I’m good. It’s just..” Dean gestured to the both of them.

Cas nodded, feeling himself relax, a genuine smile spread across his face, “Yes, well, I like this very much.”  Dean grinned, leaning in to give Cas a peck on the lips,

        “Me, too.”

        Cas leaned back, letting Dean sit up. He sensed that even as happy Dean was to reciprocate his feelings, he wanted to take things a little slower.  That was confirmed in Cas' mind as Dean sat up and a slight look of relief spread on his face.

        “Sam will probably be back soon, anyway.” Cas said lightly.

                “You’re right.  We wouldn’t want to traumatize the poor guy.”   Dean looked down, a little shyly, “So you’re okay with this?”

Cas tilted his head, frowning slightly, “Of course.”

        “No, I mean, with..you know, taking time to..”  Cas smiled softly, understanding,

                “Yes.”

Dean hesitantly took one of Cas’ hands in his, “Because I really do want this. I really really want this.”  

        Cas intertwined their fingers, and Dean looked back up at Cas, “I know, Dean.”

        When Sam walked in a half hour later, he found them, sitting side by side on the bed, Dean’s arm draped over Cas’ shoulder as he leafed through John Winchester’s journal, occasionally remarking on a drawing or entry.  Cas waited to see if Dean would move away, but he didn’t. Dean looked over at Sam, who threw his jacket over the chair,

        “How’s Fred doing?” Sam didn’t even blink at the lack of personal space between them, or how Dean’s lips had been brushed against Cas’ cheek.

                “He’s good. I think it’s a relief for him, actually.”

“Yeah, well being wheeled around by a murderous doctor maniac isn’t exactly relaxing.”  Dean threw Sam a toothy grin.

        “Haha, well I’m beat. Cas are you, uh, staying here?”  Cas looked up at Dean, who appeared to exchange a silent conversation with his brother, then turned back to Cas with a bashful smile. Cas couldn't help returning it,

       “Yes, Sam, I believe I am.”

  
  


 

 


End file.
